Today I would like to give you a recap of year one after my daughter passed. There really is no way to truly show you the anguish I went through, but if you will humor me maybe I can ease someone else's pain or grief just a little bit.
Lets start with the day Alexis passed. October 25, 2001. Not a day I will soon forget. I was at home on the 24th cutting my bangs because they had became too long to not put back or cut, for army standards that is. In the middle of it I got a call from the hospital. It was difficult to understand the nurse that called me but he said "You don't need to come now, but your baby is not doing well." I said I would be there in 5 minutes, he told me to take my time. Um yeah right. I got there in 10 minutes after the call. I had a nanny that lived in my house for my daughter Anna, so I was able to leave right away.
I got to the hospital and called my husband, as I have no skills at driving and calling on the phone. I guess that is a good thing. As I am in the elevator I give him a call and he doesn't answer. I left a message on his voice mail and started calling my commander and first sergeant. Both of whom answered. My first sergeant told me not to worry and to come back to work when I was done. My commander asked if this was real this time. I still don't understand where that came from but what ever. I hurried and gowned up, called into the nicu and they allowed me in. I went to her and was out of breath. She was still alive. I was so worried she was going to pass without me there. They allowed me to hold her. They took all the tubes and positioned them around me in the chair. It took about 20 minutes to get Alexis in my arms and all the wires and tubes positioned correctly. I finally was able to hold her. I put her on my shoulder and just cuddled her. I fell asleep with her on me. It was a very precious time for me. A million things were racing through my mind. First and foremost was where is my husband, is he really going to miss this? He showed up about 45 minutes after I did. I guess he had gotten my voice mail. He came in and just sat down. He didn't say much. He asked why I was holding her. Another strange question I don't really understand where it came from. He had never liked it when I held her or touched her. He told me not to bond with her that it would make it easier when she passed. Not likely, I had 9 months to bond with her. I created her in my own body, I think I was already attached.
We sat there for a couple minutes before I fell asleep with her on my shoulder. At 2 am, on October 25, 2001 I felt the first big breath of air from her tiny little body. A couple seconds later all the alarms started to go off. I woke up and started to freak out. The nurses rushed in, took her off me and laid her on her bed and asked me if I wanted to do anything to keep her alive. I kept saying no. No I didn't want my baby girl to suffer any longer, no I didn't want measures taken to keep her alive. If this is her time then it is her time, I can't change that and it wouldn't be fair to me to watch them try to keep her alive. The doctor came in and took all her tubes and monitors off. There were a lot of them. He then left the room and had the nurse wrap her up. The nurse wrapped her up like she was a newborn. She was so big by this time she didn't fit into the receiving blanket so they used one I had made for her. The nurse asked if I wanted to change her clothes. I shook my head no. All I really wanted to do was hold her. I had assumed she was already gone. No change in her this entire time. He left her there on the bed and said "you can hold her if you want" and left the room. As I went to hold her she gasped. Oh the life that was sucked out of me in that moment is unreal. I freaked out. I went outside the room and began yelling "she's breathing" knowing they didn't know enough English to really understand what I was saying. The head nurse said "no, it's not possible." I demanded he come in and see for himself. He said "it's not possible for her to live". "OH!" With complete and udder pain I realized he was right, she wasn't going to live.
I went in the room and picked up my baby girl. She was gasping. She would convulse every time she gasped. It took me by surprise every time she did. She gasped for 3 hours. Each time there was more time in between gasps. I learned later this is how your heart slows down when your brain doesn't feed it. Sometimes your heart doesn't stop until it decides it wants to. Watching this killed me, it robbed me of who I am.
I put her down at one point so my husband could take a picture of her. I thought it was barbaric and didn't want one of her. But as he was taking it I got jealous that he would have a last picture of her and I wouldn't so I asked him to take one for me. The nurse came in and did feet prints for us. Then I got to hold her again. Her dad finally asked to hold her. He was allowed to hold her for a total 3 minutes before I asked for her back. I saw his heart break at that point. Until then he was just being a person in a tough situation, but at the point when he had her in his arms I think he realized how painful this situation was.
I held her the rest of the time. When all was said and done, I grabbed a stethoscope and used it to listen to her heart. There was an emptiness in her chest I will never forget. Nor will I willingly use a stethoscope again either. I got to hear what a broken heart sounds like. Empty!
I asked what happens next when the nurse came in. He said she would wait here until the morgue came to get her and that would be that.
I broke at that point. I just became cold. I just didn't know what to do with myself anymore. I just watched my baby die in my arms. What do you do after that? Where do you go? What is your next move? I just stood there sobbing. By this point my husband went outside and smoked. I just stood there. The nurse came in and gave me a side hug, as him and I were the same height. It was the biggest embrace I had ever received. My husband came in and said "What do you want to do now?" I just said wait. He didn't want to wait. He started to leave and I grabbed my things and left with him. It was the longest walk of my life. It felt like I was walking the mile. Oddly enough the hospital had a green floor so literally like walking the green mile. I grabbed Alexis's outfit that was just like the one she was wearing, and a couple other small items and cut a big chunk out of her hair and put it in a baggie. I told the NICU staff they could have everything else as a donation. They said thank you.
My husband and I left. It took ages to get to the car, not only the crying from me, but the fact that I wasn't healed from my c-section enough to walk around well made it slower. I got in the car and my husband asked where I wanted to go, I said work. I asked where he was going to go he said to see Anna. I agreed. He hadn't been over to see Anna in a week so it was time. I walked into work and immediately went to my first sergeants office. There I sat, my commander and group commander came in. My first sergeant asked "What do we do now? I have never been through this before." I thought he was talking to someone else, and when I was nudged I responded quickly with "I don't know, I have never been through this before either." By this time I had no more tears. I went to my office and sat down. I stared at a blue screen on my computer for a couple hours when a liaison found me. She grabbed my hand and told me to come with her. I followed her. She took me to her car. I asked where we were going and she said "your baby needs a birth certificate" "We have to do this now". Um, ok. It didn't hit me until we were in the office and they asked what her name was that I was getting my babies birth and death certificates on the same day. I gave them the information they needed and paid the fee's and got the papers. The liaison dropped me off at the morgue when we were done where I met up with my husband. We had to identify her body. I was not prepared for this, nor was I ready to take that responsibility on.
We walked in the morgue and they had her in a queen size bed with the blanket up to her arm pits folded down, her fingers interlaced on her chest. It was so quiet. Sterile, if you will. There were huge mirrors. The mortician said they were for parents that don't want to go closer. I don't have to go any closer if I didn't want to. I marched my self right up to the bed side. I couldn't imagine not wanting to be closer. I stood there staring at her and they asked me three times if this was my baby. Yes I answered. My husband just stood there. I wanted to touch her so much but then withdrew as I thought about it. I don't know why I did, but I just kept my hands on my stomach. Knowing the last time I had her in my stomach she was safe and alive.
I felt like a failure. We went the next day to do all the paperwork on the military side of things. At this point I became angry.
I will post more when I am able, right now I have been stopped by kids.
