Emotions

Today I am going to cover the awesome power that emotions have on us.
Before my daughter was born, I thought I was a pretty typical person, with typical emotions. I didn't create a lot of drama or really stick my neck out in the world all that much. I just kinda let things happen and reacted appropriately.
While my daughter was in the hospital I was a mess. I was nothing but stress, I was on pins and needles and it honestly felt like I was someone else all together. The moments of not knowing were the worst. Not knowing when she was going to pass, if I was going to be there when she did. If I was ready to take on that type of trauma. What I was going to do when she did pass. What I should do now. How I should act when I go see her. Was I going to die before she did? Was I going to survive and have to suffer through life and have to watch her suffer as well? There were so many questions I couldn't answer. So many issues I was trying to tackle.
No one gives you a book on how to deal with it. No one tells you it will be ok, or that it will get better, or you will get through it. Well no one told me those things. I wanted to hear something like that. I just wanted someone that had been through it to tell me it was going to be ok. I would have taken a hug too. Since I did not get to process these questions they just remained. That is the thing about grief, if you don't deal with it, it lingers. The best thing you can do for yourself is to process it. Know it is your process and know you don't have to grieve in any particular way or amount of time. Everyone is different. I have found (coming up on 11 years) that I will never truly stop grieving, but I have learned to hide my feelings and learned to cope with the trials and tribulations that have been put in front of me.
As my daughter was passing away, the emotions were great. I don't think I have ever cried so much. I actually got to the point where I had no more tears. My husband seemed stone cold. He didn't cry much and when he did I could see a coldness in his nature. I couldn't believe it. I didn't understand that men grieve differently than women at that time. That came with time. What got me the most is how he was able to continue to function, when my world had literally came crashing down around me. I wanted nothing more than to die with my baby, so that way I wouldn't have to suffer the way I have. A lot of that suffering was my own personal issues that I held onto a little longer than I should have. I honestly believe you have to put yourself first when you baby dies. Don't worry about others, don't worry about how you look to them, don't worry that you might loose it, just worry about yourself. Allow yourself to grieve, love yourself, you took an entire pregnancy to bring this baby into this world. You did all the work. You are allowed to feel shitty.
After my daughter passed I just didn't know what to do anymore. I was so lost. I felt like I was walking through a candy land filled with all the most wonderful candies in the world and all I wanted was to hold my baby again. I didn't care about the candy that surrounded me, I just wanted to hold that dear baby girl one more time. The time I did have seemed to of been robbed from me. I remembered all of it, every single second, but it seemed as though it wasn't enough. I am sure it will never be enough. After all, what do you do after such a great loss? What is that first step you must take? When do you start to be normal again? These are questions I still can't answer. I remember walking out of the hospital, crushed. We had to walk around the hospital in order to go in the entrance with the morgue. Not a site any mother ever wants to see. It is just not natural to see your baby on a slab or in a bed with no life in them.
I was taken from the hospital to a paper processing center to get my daughters birth and death certificates as soon as I walked out of the hospital. The lady that took me was very nice and just kept saying I had to do it. I didn't want to do it, I didn't want to accept it. I was so hurt and confused. I remember this like it was still happening today. Such a strong memory for me. When I was done with that I got the pleasure of identifying my daughters body. My husband did meet me there and they asked me 3 times to identify her body to make sure it was the correct one. So many things were going through my mind at this point. First was, wow, there are other babies that died today too? I must of said it out loud because the mortician told me that 14 people had died over the weekend due to an anthrax envelope that had been delivered to the hospital to the floor above us. Um wow, that was shocking to say the least. Not information I really wanted to process then. So I barely got through the process of identifying her body. I just wanted to give my life for hers. To not have to do that. I think that was the worst part about her death, aside from watching her die in my arms.
About a week after she passed, I identified her body, and went back to work I started to get flash backs. Did you know those are real? I figured they were but never considered the fact that I would get them. I would flash back to a time when my baby was alive or when I was giving birth. It was amazing, I could smell the same smells, feel the same pain, I could even taste the food. The awesome power of a flash back is no joke. When you flash back you literally are in two places at once. My mind would focus on that memory, so well it was real, but then at the same time you are in the real world and having to work your way through it. You can't control the flash backs, you can't do anything about them. They happen and that is that. You have to allow them. I still get them. Not as often thank goodness but I do still get them. It floors me sometimes. It is unexpected and there is no way to tell if you are going to have to deal with one that day or not. I most often flash back to the day I was giving her a bath and she squirmed in my hands because of the water on her body. That must of been very powerful moment for me. I can actually feel her squirm in my hands, even now.  Truly amazing.
There is an emptiness that develops in you. Your pain seems to go there. It's a big empty space that seems to become you or you become it. Your job is to work to sculpt a new person out of this empty space. To learn to love yourself again. To trust yourself again. To begin to heal.
After my daughter passed I tried so hard to find anyone that could just listen. It was so raw and so painful that words were sometimes the hardest of all. I just wanted someone to sit with me and listen to my story, I felt if I had been able to do that, I would of had it a little easier. It seemed like no one wanted to hear about it. Immediately I lost every friend I ever had. No one listened, no one hugged me, no one told me it would be ok. All I wanted was to feel human again as fast as I could because I know I did not like the place I was in, but I couldn't find my way out of that. My Chaplin was in school, her assistant didn't know much of anything. So I tried to go to the base Chaplin and he was deployed. So that left me more alone than I had ever been in my life. That is when I got mad. I couldn't find any other feelings to accurately describe my state at this point. I was just plain angry. Angry at my body for doing this to my baby, angry at my husband for ditching me for another woman (I will get into that later) Angry for feeling such pain and feeling so alone in it. Angry at myself for not being able to come back to the land of the normal again. I was angry for years. A good 4 years before someone finally saw the anger and gave me a hug and sat down and listened to my story. It felt so good after that. I began to heal after that. Thank you DJ, your hug and compassion couldn't of came at a better time for me. You listened and gave me the tools I needed to heal. I think without your thoughtful nature I would never of started the healing process and would still be angry.
So thus begins my adventure of healing from the death of my baby girl. I will write more as I get time and energy for this. Thank you for reading. I am open to comments but anything negative in any manor will not be accepted.